Crumble #08_WS2013


Crumble my hearts wall with your fist
Deflating my pumped bear chest
With your kiss of death
Every time I learn to gasp for that last breath
Crumble my existence with your sweet words
Making me believe that it can never get any worse
Worse enough to see my heart bleed
Weak enough to finally shed my last tear
Deep sigh, I am afraid, I am always trembling and in fear
Whenever you walk through that door
Hoping that this time this house won’t turn to a battle field once more
Oh no, here he comes, its game time again
It is that time for me to put on that fake smile
And wish that he doesn’t see how deep it goes
Praying that nothing that I say will make him
Put on those steal gloves and start the first round
Oh sweet shiver stand still, be quiet
Coz he will tell that he has put the fear of God in me
Keep still until he collapses or changes his mind
Maybe lose the strength to shatter my joyful moments
My happy tears that reminded me of those good old years
When he used to tell me, show me how loved and beautiful I am
So! What went wrong? Please tell me what did I do to make you hate me so much
Hate me enough for you to clench a fist full of anger
For at this pointing time, I still wonder if you ever loved me
I still wonder if whatever we had was real
If loving me was real
Crumble my last heart beat
To finally feel the heat
Of your foots vibration
Drawing closer towards me
Closer to boot me out of my quivering skin
Tick-tock, tick-tock
What round it is this, I ask
As I stumble to catch my footing
For heavily my breath, my breath
Can no longer carry me to that last round like we usually do
{a moment of prayer}
Oh God, help me survive this one
Heavenly father, help me stay alive
I promise this time it’s the last time
I promise I won’t go back
I won’t put myself and my kids in harm’s way ever again
Dear God if you listening
I beg of you to see me through
I beg of you to show me the way and what to do next
In Jesus name – Amen
Biting my lips in anticipation
Can this nightmare reach it conclusion
Can he get it over and done with already,
So I can run, so I can run and never look back
Shhhh! Keep quiet he says,
Can’t you see that you’ll wake the kids
The neighbours will hear you
Oh crap, al those memories of laster years
Crawl with a loud noise
A loud noise that awaken the choice
I once made when he told me
He will never do it again
But here I am in the beginning
When all it took was him saying am sorry
And that will be the end of the story
And yet now that story will become me
That this time it will be the end of me
So crumble my bruised heart soul
To a moment when I was once whole

By Mandiwe Ndaliso.

(South Africa)


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